I'm having a nice afternoon.

Made myself an awesome veggie skillet, hung out with Mars in the yard,

Now I'm waiting for my hair to dry and washing clothes.

I can't wait to see Tim today :)

Photo Booth

Mars and I :)

What IS going on?

I don't know.

I've been writing a lot of lyrics and stuff lately, I probably wont post them anywhere though.

They're too personal for the world without back round music. Tim and I are still good, thankfully.

These past few days I've been thinking about Tommy a lot though, the other day I sparked a blunt with some old friends and they brought him and a bunch of things he used to do up, I had a flashback, laughed, cried, then laughed again... But the last time I was laughing at myself, not the memories.

All I can think about him and I is everywhere I went wrong, all the chances I had to talk to him, to tell him what I was thinking, the chances I never took. How it's too late and there's nothing I can do now, I guess I'm really not over it if all that can resurface so rapidly, I really love Tim though, I wanna hold him all the time and tell him how much I love him. 

My new beginning is going fairly well you could say, I'm not as sad as I used to be. What's scary is that... That could change fast, and I have little control over it. Lately, I've found myself yelling 'Leave me alone' at my ringing mobile, every last person I want to hear from at one moment just so happens to call me at thee exact time that I'm not at all in the mood. So, the situation results in me seeming a bit crazy to whoever overhears me yelling at a ghost.

I've been falling asleep listening to music on my laptop, I wonder how many times I'll go to stretch my legs out 3/4ths asleep and kick it off the arm of my couch before I decide to smarten up and put it on the table next to the couch instead.

Nobody in my building wants me to have Mars except my brother and maybe my uncle, they're all trying to find reasons for me to give him up, 'He doesn't eat enough', 'he doesn't walk', 'the yard is dirty', 'you don't have him under control', 'That's a mans dog'

Haha, none of these people are ever around him, their jealousy amazes me. I walk him for three hours a day, he gets fed twice a day and eats like a pigggg, the yard was dirty but I went out there and cleaned it, poop and cigarettes in all (That was the first thing they complained about), I don't know what the him not being under control is about he's obedient for me, crazy obedient. Sometimes he just wants to stay outside and it's too cold for me out there. 

A 'mans' dog? Really people? Sexist idiots. German Shepherds don't need an ass kicking or a deep voice, they need patience, with patience comes love. That's what I've learned. Mars has patience with me too, I was really sad sometimes and he was sooo good for me, that's really what mattered, when everyone else was making everything really hard, he was at his best.

People are like, 'That's YOUR dog?' Hell yeah, this is my dog, how is that even questionable? Do you see how close he stays to my left leg? He might as well be attached to my arm.

I can't wait for spring. Walking will be more tolerable, and I'll be able to work out outside while Mars runs around, this year is going to be so beautiful.

Went to the ER todayyyy, WOORAHHH!

I have a very bad tonsil infection that could become cancer, on the count of I smoke and drink, as you all know. I'm scared, but if death comes to me I'll think of it as the best friend I've ever had in the world thinks of death, 'It's only population control' only one less mutt Hispanic in the world breeding mutt Hispanic children into a world of majority racists and prejudiced fucks.

I wont put up a picture because even the doctors were scared for me, but my tonsil split in half to reveal something monstrous. If you'd like to know about the basics of my day please continue reading if you dare to enter my horrid family life...

My mother ignored m emergency calls for 4 hours and 45 minutes exactly, the infection in my tonsils was eating away at the good tissue I had left, my mouth wouldn't stop bleeding, I searched the internet vigorously for people who have experienced the same things and found nothing, that's how I knew it was bad.. My mother finally came home from laughing and eating out with her friends she secretly hates and thinks are against her. The immediately walked into the house complaining about the smell blaming Mars and I. I know it was wrong and stupid, but I was angry and in pain, and my tonsil was being devoured by god knows what while my mom thinks it's of more importance to bitch  endlessly about the house she worked so 'hard' for, I raised my voice..

'While you were at the house of 'Satan' praying to 'God' to help you with your problems instead of taking action your idiotic self, I was here worrying about myself and thinking about calling the police my damned self' she turned and told me she was going to put her foot in my mouth or something if I proceeded to 'disrespect' Christ. The argument continued because I asked if Jesus really shot lazer beams and rode a mighty raptor, she told me I couldn't go to the emergency room and I shouted 'No surprise there!' and spat in her face. She started clawing at me like some sort of crazy cat of sorts then she smacked me, after that I shoved her back, jumped back, rolled my head around my shoulders, and told her to try again putting my fists up, she ran to her room remembering the first time I hit her in elf defense (She hit me in the face, I hit her in the stomach, she fell on the floor 'barely breathing' and threatening to call the police. I left the house, beat the shit out of four girls and a mother that came at me during, on their terms of agreement, was supposed to be a one on one fight. I hit my mother with not even half my strength, I'm not a scum bag.) 

My mother called the police, before she was not shaken up at all, not even after my gentle shove, I just wanted her fake claws away from my freakin' face. She started to fake cry while on the phone with the police, telling them I was beating her, and that I finally stopped when she called. This made me want to start beating her, but I'm smarter than to give in to her fucking tricks. I waited for the police, when they showed up, they assumed I was the one who called, I looked at them both, "Come inside, I'm the daughter that was 'beating' her mom." They followed me up the stairs, Mars started jumping and biting, so I took him into the kitchen. My mother steady lied to them telling them I beat her all the time and basically that I am a delinquent of sorts, that I did this in Florida, and so on so forth. I wont lie, i started to cry because I couldn't believe that she would say those things, my father who apologized for years of abuse even disowned me because of her lies, it wasn't even about smoking pot, or cigarettes either, she told people I was a prostitute... I'm a professional body piercer and tattoo artist, hairdresser, freelance model, and sometimes I sell a bag of weed. But I guess in the eyes of a Christian it's all the same, right? A sinner is a sinner is a sinner, but aren't we all?

I called her a disgusting liar and the fattest officer stepped in front of me and told me not to disrespect my mother, I told him she was disrespecting both of them by lying to them about everything, the beating the delinquentness, all of it, everything. He just like cops do ignored it.

I've noticed that police stand by whoever calls first, whoever calls is the person whose side they take.

Every time. 

Eventually they said, "So is she going th the ER or not?"

I said, "I've been asking the same question for 6 hours, I want to go, can we please go?!"

They said yes, I walked out the door, and handed Mars to my best friend.

Got into my Moms car as previously instructed, and started breaking down, I was freaking out, I can't take this anymore, I was falling into the traps my mother set for me. the cop opened the door and told me my mother was 'scared' to get into the car, I said, "I AM FUCKING SCARED TO LIVE WITH HER, SHE IS FUCKING CRAZY, CAN I PLEASE JUST GO TO THE ER NOW, PLEASE, FUCK." he tried talking again and I screamed, "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME FUCKING GO TO THE HOSPITAL, I NEED TO GO NOW." The smarter officer said, "Lets go, she's coming outside now." he closed the door and left. I got to the hospital to be tested for strep and so on so forth, multiple blood tests, they don't know what it was. Resurrection is a fucking waste.

My mothers Christian whore bible thumping fucks came because she lied to them too.

As soon as the lady opened the curtain she said, 'Stop poking my face!' I looked at her and said, "Really?" then made her flinch by reaching for her iphone. I needed some kind of morbid humor in this time of intense darkness. Eventually a crisis counselor told me to go with her to a room, I talked to her about everything, crying in between statements, and taking deep breaths, she told me that there's nothing I can do about my mother because a schizophrenic (My mother actually is) needs to WANT help, or else they can't give it. So, as I've been doing for years, I had to agree for two hours I wanted to go to a counselor in order to get the rest of the drugs and come home, I've been needing someone to talk to since I was 6 years old when my father stripped me naked and beat me, later that year my mother hit me repeatedly with a red glass tray and gave me a gash in my right thigh, you want to know how I pissed them off? Leaving my banky behind the Christmas tree, and playing with the chairs.

Good reason to beat your kids senseless, right? I know.

So, on the way home my mother was patronizing me asking to buy me juice because I can't really eat unless I want to swallow half my tonsil and shit it out. I told her, "I'll buy it myself, because I don't need you, I've proven that over the past two years very well." I bought myself two veggie pizzas and a spinach salad at my best friends house, killed some zombies to release my anger, talked about my day, watched some shows, then wrote this blog after a few beers.

I've gone through a lot in my life, more than my mother and father will ever know, more than they even care, my father knows what he's done to me, my mother represses it, she claims to not even remember stabbing me in the head with three pens repeatedly when we lived in a small apartment after her fiance left her, my brother does,  he was scared shitless. I guess that's what God does, he wipes away brutally almost killing your daughter several times. My mother always told me that DCFS and child services would put me in an even worse place then this.... I was too scared to tell anyone.

This is all I'm writing for now. But this is just a small piece of it all.

I need help, but I'm no liar, I have no mental problems, they just fascinate me because of what they've done to my mothers side of my family, and the people at my mothers church. I've been evaluated several times by undercovers for crazy homes. They even said my mother's crazy which is the scary part. I'm getting too into this.... Goodnight, reader. You've just become a friend.

A little something I wrote that may just remain nameless...

I'm bleeding through my eyes spilling out my feelings toward you...

It's like I'm transporting you inside of a glacier to a land of hate filled youths,

I love you, and the demons inside of me do too,

I'm just standing here in a rock solid pose, waiting for you to leave me all alone.

I know you never meant it when you claimed you wanted me to come home..

My life is like an eternal battle for my sanity,

But I know one day I'll wake up in an all white room as the beast within, wondering....

"What the fuck happened to my life?"

And that's only a piece of me. So, tell me, sweetie,

When you look at me who do you really see?

People say I'm just attracted to the darkness but that shit actually consumes me.

They tell me, "Kaity baby, it's okay, you're just a little crazy." While I'm trying to find out the quantity, space, structure, and change for every bullshit event that's gone down so far along this line, cutting these hands, I'm still trying to accept I can't pick up or mend the glass shards of this broken life I've lead, I'm fighting,

But life doesn't always work my way, I'm still struggling,

With all the good left inside, I'll continue this fight because I don't want to die...

So, I'll drop you this last line and let you enjoy your time.

I'm burning.. On the inside.

- Kaity K.

It's always the things that bother us the most.

"There are times there are things clinging to the tip of my tongue, 

waiting to be said, and I swallow them."

 

I've resorted to barely saying anything when I insult people now, it's like I just need to get a little bit out, especially when I'm being provoked. These past few days I haven't been happy at all.