My Wednesday with loaded talentless fools

I'm currently sitting in a small living room watching (but not really) Julian get tattooed.
I'm suffering from lack of sleep, coffee, and security.
I would somewhat like to slam my head against a brick wall or maybe a wooden post,
Get some gnarly splinters going.

I can't blame anyone for my situation, but I can blame them for knowing about it and deliberately making it substantially difficult, care for an example? Julian checking out our host right now.
Haha, I wish I knew why I put myself between rocks and cold walls.
Stupidity or ignorance? Naivety or genuinity?
These are the questions I'm asking myself.
Along with, do I really want this? Why do I need it?
I fear I'm addicted to the pain,
Maybe I subconsciously like it,
What if it's the only thing that fuels me, negative things?
So I draw all the negativity to me, now I'm over thinking.
.... I wish I had an invisibility cloak, I'd put it on right now and leave, I also wish I had wings.
So I wouldn't have to walk all the way down those damn stairs.
Things at the ward have been crrrazy, all those kids are more like animals.. They even smell like them.
Screaming all through out the day, fighting, we can never get a group session done. Some of the girls confide things in me completely at random, do I look like I care if you're pregnant? You had an STD, cool, keep that thing away from me. Your 'best friend' stabbed you in the back and told all your friends, be more careful next time. You don't like the other girl in group because she wears a wig? Live and let live. Seriously, I wonder all the time if maybe just maybe some of these people like it there, they keep coming back because it makes them feel wanted, loved, it gives them two grown men to aggravate and disrespect with no consequence. Throw a chair at a wall and get your own room, with time to think, devise a plan, free food, and drugs- They love the drugs. Spin your web of lies and you're right back on the first floor again, annoying and avoiding truth.

I'm tired, bored, and bothered, I'm sure you can tell.
It seems Host Girl and Ink Man are together, Julian has refocused his attention on me.
Ha, good fucking night reader.

Smile, you've won.

I had to give Mars up, Tim and I broke up, and... 

I don't even want to get into it.

Why do things happen? I think it makes me angry because I know these things are going to happen, and I'm left wondering what's the point? I don't mess with you, you don't mess with me. You leave my life as is, and I wont tell you to fuck yourself. Currently, I'm attending a day program at a psych ward called Hartgrove, they're teaching me not to be sad about Mars, or my family, or losing people I loved.. I wish they could teach me how to not be sad about my heart and it's tendency to to care for boys who are abstracted and confused. Maybe I'm bitter because I swear 'love' means so much more than everyone thinks, I want him to tell my intuition to go fuck itself.

I'm worn out, and my only outlet is gone, in some other home. I don't sleep, I barely eat, and the only thing that hasn't let me down at this point is coffee. Is this how I'm going to die? Slowly fucking myself with cigarettes, coffee, and lack of sleep. I should have seen this coming.
I wish he could love me more than the attention, I'm brand new now, but eventually I'll dull and fade, then he'll cut me out for someone who was already in or is newer, different. How could those girls just let him go by like that? and why are they coming back now, when my life is messy, and I'm doing my best to be happy with what I've got. 

I guess I knew this was coming.

It doesn't mean anything, but I wish it did.

I held back for as long as I could then I gave in,

And Julian didn't like me as much as he said because 

he said I'm a bitch to his best friend he used to sleep with.

Then they laughed and she was smug.

He sent me that text he meant to send her.

I told Tim I cheated, he went ape shit, posted it all over my facebook, rubbed it in,

Called me a thousand times, and sent me a million texts that consisted of terrible things including.. 

"I hate you"

But he finally stopped a few minutes ago because I called him and called him out on provoking me even though I did what was right so he could have a better reason to hate me. I'm really good at reading people, even though I shouldn't in times like these, when I don't sleep for a few days I don't really care how people react to me reading them it's some kind of freakish power I can't help. 

I know Julian's friend was smug because when we were talking about it he kept saying he didn't mean it like that, I said I knew he was just doing it to boost her ego because she's not thrilled about the whole thing, and that's why I don't make friends with people who need their ego's boosted by lies. 

(The previous day we had a talk, not only did he call me a bitch but he twisted the whole conversation and made me seem like one in one 150 character long text. The day before he told me he understood and that if I'd give him a chance he wouldn't ever hurt me.) Apparently, I was right on point. Then he started doing the vent thing, that thing people do when they're sitting by someone they have a problem with, but they don't talk to them about it, instead they text someone else. I was waiting for him to respond to what I was saying instead of just listening so I kept asking him to give input but he didn't know what to say, I already spewed it and there was no sugar coding it. I called him out on the venting thing, he looked surprised then impressed, smiled and said that was it, I asked him why he was still at my place and he started to read me the texts even though I kept telling him to stop. He says he really likes me...
but I don't know if I can do any of this anymore.

Not my ideal Sunday activity

I'd like to start off the blog of this month by talking about America.

America is like a prison, we do things mandatory,

And if we don't they throw us aside,

Like rag dolls.

If you don't make those tokens, you get laid off,

You're fucked, yeah sure, they say the system will help you but since when has any of the people who are doing fine ever given a turd about you? If you don't fit in, they find someone who will, everyone is easily replaced. If you have a different opinion, you're fucked. If you dress differently, you're fucked. If you choose an occupation that doesn't make a lot of money but makes you happy, you're fucked. If you can't memorize, you're fucked, and out to the military you go to fight for rich assholes who start wars for private advantage. They'll send you to academies that'll train you to be like a dog, loyal, they'll teach you people skills that'll give you stress acne, and you'll give your life for them, in exchange for a shitty college. Not to mention they also teach "Leader & Follower" skills, bullshit, your capabilities are absolutely endless, figure it out. I say figure it out but if you can't do it because of a current situation I believe in time, there's always time, especially when you're young and confused. But again, America wants dogs and slaves to society, anyone who wants real freedom is replaced by someone who simply doesn't care. I care, I wish more people did, because just like the KONY 2012 scam made a shit ton of money and got publicity, so can problems like these, but no, we care more about problems that are already over more than veterans on the street, or people offing themselves, or anyone's genuine feelings. 

This is a sad, sad backwards country, and nobody speaks up.

Enough about zombies. 

I've been a bit sick lately, I also got kicked out but I should be back by the end of the week, I'm not even getting into what happened, but it's been crazy. I've been staying with my best friend and he's starting to reeeeeaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyyy annoy the shit out of me. I also can't drink for the next 8 days for I'm on some penicillin pills for my swollen gland, so, as you can imagine, he's hard to deal with, always trying to piss somebody off.. The owners of the apartment that I call home say that I can't have Mars there anymore but I'm doing my best to change that, they have no real reason, but regardless it'll be a tough one, I don't know what the heck I'd do with out him, I tear at the thought. 

Tim and I are still together and fantastic, his other family members want to meet me, I'm iffy but I think it'll be okay. Also, I made a new friend (insert happy face here) his name's Julian, he's adorable! And we're similar enough, funny thing is I met him through one of my ex's at a jamming/drink session he bought me a 40 before I even met him so we were already on perfect terms, thennnnnnnnnnn I was looking through his Ipod and I found one of my favorite bands, but he had only ONE of their best albums, so I made him take notes on the better ones and the newest, then I recommended some other beautiful bands for him to give a listen to, then he showed me some stuff, and I actually liked it. A few days later we hung out and he reminded me of myself, we kind of talk the same and get our hearts broken over pretty idiots, we also have poor judgement when someone is talking sweet. Is it bad for me to say I love him? It's like saying I love myself, I do love myself, but I also hate myself, I'm good, but in someways I'm bad, I'm only good with what I think is important, and I don't care about my benefits.

I care about happiness, and as cheesy as it sounds, it's universal happiness. 

We laid in my backyard other night looking up and talking about life and struggles.

I felt comfortable and I'm not usually comfortable around people, in person at least, I  have horrid people skills. Sorry this is all blurted out, oh, by the way, Julian also spilled a beer on my Mac the second time we hung out, so RIP Macbook. You were the best homo that ever entered my life.

I'm currently using Tim's laptop hence why I'm not spending much time on here as usual I'm not even comfortable around new pieces of technology. Pft. Good morning.