You can sin or spend the night all alone, it's sad but true.

Lately I find myself falling back into anorexia. Ever since Tristan FUCKED me over, I've been off track, I'm really trying to just be happy that he's out of my life.

But I can't.. It's like, I got screwed over, my money is gone, my heart is broken, I ended up looking like a psycho, and my reputation is going down the drain. I know it's not my fault though.. That guy purposely tricked me.

With all of that, it never hit me until today.

I woke up this morning and cried, ohh, I cried.

I haven't ate anything except a cheese stick since yesterday morning. Why?

Because I think I'm fat. I'm 5'7, I weigh 120 pounds, I wear size 3 skinny jeans, and my cup size is C34. It's just that, I look in the mirror and I guess I think I'm wider than I should be. That thought alone motivates me to go days without eating, drink McD's coffee, and go on long tiring walks with cute boys.

I know, 'cute boys', what?! 'Didn't you get fucked over?'

Yeah. I did. Terribly.

But maybe seeing people who really want me is comforting.

Makes me feel like he's going to come back around and regret doing what he did.

Which is a nice thought.

So anyways,

I met a boy the other day,

I wont put his name on here, but I'll tell you what happened.

He came to my house we K'd sixteen beers, smoked a few bowls, and talked,

The entire time, we were talking. I fucking love people who talk to me.

Especially if they're intellectual.

He is. He's very intellectual, and I liked him off the bat because of it.

During this time we obviously got pretty messed up,

We were talking about how I'm intimidating.

And he says, 'I was talking about how I always ask girls if I could kiss them, earlier.. So.. I was wondering if hypothetically speaking I asked to kiss you right now, would you let me?'

I was afraid it was coming. I really didn't want it to because I knew I liked him.

(Which is a first, I honestly rarely even enjoy the company of many people.)

So, I open my mouth and I have it in my mind to decline as nicely as possible, because I'm not like that, I'm not easy, I'm looking for something real, I want a legitimate relationship, right?...

But nothing came out. So I tried again,

This time it comes out.

"I'd be okay with that." While making direct eye contact.

What the hell, Kaity!

He kissed me and I kissed him, but we didn't part after that.

We just sat there, and continued kissing, and I loved it.

In fact, I loved it so much that I kissed him like I meant it, and put my hand on the back of his neck. I started it. We went into my basement, kissed more, he sat down, I sat down on top of him,

It got heated. He was driving my hormones crazy. I hadn't done anything in so long.

But he was this sexy old school romantic guy, who was a really great kisser,

He's an artist like me, he appreciates writing.. Music.

He was almost like a dream guy I had never dreamed before.

Then.. "Kaity, do you want to make love? Not fuck, not have sex. Make love."

Again. I was hoping he wouldn't ask so I could calm down and get off him.

But he did, and I had to answer.

And so I said, in a very shaky, hesitant way. "Yes."

God damn it, I fucked up.

So we did, we 'made love' and it was amazing. It was so amazing that I broke my bowl during and I couldn't have cared less, I still don't. It felt good, but that's all it did.

Can that really be considered making love? I don't think so...

After that, we decided to not go to sleep, and go to the beach.

So we hung out for a few more hours and did exactly that.

We walked around the city all over each other, like we were an actual couple, kissing, holding, playing. He made me feel wanted.

We got back to my house and while I was getting cleaned up, he started talking to my mom and uncle, about himself. They loved him. More than I did.

Such a perfect impression.

We went to go get a blunt so we could smoke again, we got it,

Came back to my house once again.

We were back in the basement, I was rolling the blunt and after I rolled it we started kissing again. Grabbing at each other.

He grabbed my butt, so I put my hands under his shirt and there we were again.

Somehow we both ended up just touching each other,

Then I turned around, and it happened,

He made me have thee O.

We went on a walk to the park to smoke, and on that walk,

He said he thinks my mom and uncle like him,

I told him I knew they did.

He said his mom and my mom would get along,

Same with his step dad and my uncle.

I made a joke saying,

"We should set up a, uh, date for them to play."

And his response was a surprise to me..

He said, "Nah.. Not yet." and kissed my hand.

I didn't even know what to say to that but I knew he was saying something.

Something like that.

Then we got to the park, smoked a blunt, and kissed the whole way through it.

Soon after that he went home.. And I was sad.

I still am.

I'm scared too, I don't want to feel for him,

Because then he'll be my priority,

And then he'll leave,

And then I'll die a little more,

Because that's just how it goes.

Oh my God, I like him.

And if you dare to read this,

Like the hands of your bastard father,

I'm cold, rough, thick, and tough,

Like the hips of your late ex lover,

I'm broken, bruised, and forced on you.

I am my worst enemy.

I haven't slept since 2 days ago,

Waiting on you.

A day hasn't gone by that I don't think of the mistakes I've made,

And the price I'll pay,

Every night, I crumple and cry,

Every night, I think of 13 reasons why.

Is this what you're into?

Do you really want me to hurt you?

There's so many fucking things I could do to you.

I could tear you up,

Break you down,

And manipulate you,

Is that what you're into?

Do you treat me like shit 'cause I beg for it?

I swear to god I could shake you off,

Spit on you until you dissolve.

I could get under your skin, and tear it off,

Break you down into a simple whore,

Manipulate you to bending at my every move.

Is this what you're fucking into?

You think I wear my skin like it's too tight,

I'd like you to step into my shoes and see what it's like,

I'm no adult,

And I can be immature,

But leading this life..

It fucking hurts.

I wish I could get inside your head,

Everything in there seems to be dead,

What the fuck is your definition of us?

Has it even crossed your mind?

I know,

You know,

I'd love to know.

Despite all of these things I claim to think about you,

Is it weird I'd like to know you?

Do you find it odd that I have an attraction to you?

When I haven't even had a conversation with you.

We're strangers,

With secrets,

Lies,

And love.

Is it abnormal for me to want to hear about yours?

I don't expect much from you,

But I'm dying for you to prove me wrong.

Simply because I hope there's something on the inside.

Something the slightest bit more than that tatted up,

Side labret pierced,

Long haired,

Bar hoping,

Zippo lighter loving,

Marlboro menthol cigarette smoking,

Asshole,

I know,

And man, I understand..

But give it up.

I haven't known you for that long,

But you drive me insane,

In one of thee best ways.

I really didn't see us here today,

I'm sorry I wrote this,

It was unexpected,

And I hope you forgive me,

But please,

Don't ignore it,

Or forget it.