My Wednesday with loaded talentless fools

I'm currently sitting in a small living room watching (but not really) Julian get tattooed.
I'm suffering from lack of sleep, coffee, and security.
I would somewhat like to slam my head against a brick wall or maybe a wooden post,
Get some gnarly splinters going.

I can't blame anyone for my situation, but I can blame them for knowing about it and deliberately making it substantially difficult, care for an example? Julian checking out our host right now.
Haha, I wish I knew why I put myself between rocks and cold walls.
Stupidity or ignorance? Naivety or genuinity?
These are the questions I'm asking myself.
Along with, do I really want this? Why do I need it?
I fear I'm addicted to the pain,
Maybe I subconsciously like it,
What if it's the only thing that fuels me, negative things?
So I draw all the negativity to me, now I'm over thinking.
.... I wish I had an invisibility cloak, I'd put it on right now and leave, I also wish I had wings.
So I wouldn't have to walk all the way down those damn stairs.
Things at the ward have been crrrazy, all those kids are more like animals.. They even smell like them.
Screaming all through out the day, fighting, we can never get a group session done. Some of the girls confide things in me completely at random, do I look like I care if you're pregnant? You had an STD, cool, keep that thing away from me. Your 'best friend' stabbed you in the back and told all your friends, be more careful next time. You don't like the other girl in group because she wears a wig? Live and let live. Seriously, I wonder all the time if maybe just maybe some of these people like it there, they keep coming back because it makes them feel wanted, loved, it gives them two grown men to aggravate and disrespect with no consequence. Throw a chair at a wall and get your own room, with time to think, devise a plan, free food, and drugs- They love the drugs. Spin your web of lies and you're right back on the first floor again, annoying and avoiding truth.

I'm tired, bored, and bothered, I'm sure you can tell.
It seems Host Girl and Ink Man are together, Julian has refocused his attention on me.
Ha, good fucking night reader.

Smile, you've won.

I had to give Mars up, Tim and I broke up, and... 

I don't even want to get into it.

Why do things happen? I think it makes me angry because I know these things are going to happen, and I'm left wondering what's the point? I don't mess with you, you don't mess with me. You leave my life as is, and I wont tell you to fuck yourself. Currently, I'm attending a day program at a psych ward called Hartgrove, they're teaching me not to be sad about Mars, or my family, or losing people I loved.. I wish they could teach me how to not be sad about my heart and it's tendency to to care for boys who are abstracted and confused. Maybe I'm bitter because I swear 'love' means so much more than everyone thinks, I want him to tell my intuition to go fuck itself.

I'm worn out, and my only outlet is gone, in some other home. I don't sleep, I barely eat, and the only thing that hasn't let me down at this point is coffee. Is this how I'm going to die? Slowly fucking myself with cigarettes, coffee, and lack of sleep. I should have seen this coming.
I wish he could love me more than the attention, I'm brand new now, but eventually I'll dull and fade, then he'll cut me out for someone who was already in or is newer, different. How could those girls just let him go by like that? and why are they coming back now, when my life is messy, and I'm doing my best to be happy with what I've got. 

I guess I knew this was coming.

It doesn't mean anything, but I wish it did.

I held back for as long as I could then I gave in,

And Julian didn't like me as much as he said because 

he said I'm a bitch to his best friend he used to sleep with.

Then they laughed and she was smug.

He sent me that text he meant to send her.

I told Tim I cheated, he went ape shit, posted it all over my facebook, rubbed it in,

Called me a thousand times, and sent me a million texts that consisted of terrible things including.. 

"I hate you"

But he finally stopped a few minutes ago because I called him and called him out on provoking me even though I did what was right so he could have a better reason to hate me. I'm really good at reading people, even though I shouldn't in times like these, when I don't sleep for a few days I don't really care how people react to me reading them it's some kind of freakish power I can't help. 

I know Julian's friend was smug because when we were talking about it he kept saying he didn't mean it like that, I said I knew he was just doing it to boost her ego because she's not thrilled about the whole thing, and that's why I don't make friends with people who need their ego's boosted by lies. 

(The previous day we had a talk, not only did he call me a bitch but he twisted the whole conversation and made me seem like one in one 150 character long text. The day before he told me he understood and that if I'd give him a chance he wouldn't ever hurt me.) Apparently, I was right on point. Then he started doing the vent thing, that thing people do when they're sitting by someone they have a problem with, but they don't talk to them about it, instead they text someone else. I was waiting for him to respond to what I was saying instead of just listening so I kept asking him to give input but he didn't know what to say, I already spewed it and there was no sugar coding it. I called him out on the venting thing, he looked surprised then impressed, smiled and said that was it, I asked him why he was still at my place and he started to read me the texts even though I kept telling him to stop. He says he really likes me...
but I don't know if I can do any of this anymore.