Winter Winds

I'm just going to isolate myself from everyone except my few friends and my dog.

I need time to really reflect, and make further plans.

Tim and I are doing great, I love him so much and he's so patient with me.

We're talking about moving in together in about 7 months or so,

Whenever we get stable jobs, since my business comes and goes.

I'm burning for the day I can turn around and kiss him good morning, I'm going to make him the happiest man alive, and I'm tenacious, if I survive the next 7 months I will proceed with my plan, growing with him, falling harder and harder for him everyday, returning and recycling the love he's given me, and more. For once in my life I don't care about what he does, I don't care about anything but his health and happiness, I don't care about his looks, if he keeps looking at me the way he does with his staggering green eyes, lovingly, I'll be with him until I die.

I'm proud of myself for buying him a nice pair of black jeans for Christmas, he tried to give me 70 dollars but I wont take it, he needs to know that that's not what I'm here for and neither is he, I've spent a lot of time recently thinking that money is happiness, it brought me comfort making myself go broke over and over again from buying nugatory things. Finally spending it on someone other than 

myself made me feel freed from the inertia of money, tokens we work for like monkeys for bananas.

I hate humans and society, and living and dying.

I hate it because some people can experience everything the best, and others the absolute worst. When you really feel like you're going to die soon, after crying for so long, you can be okay, but you still know you're going to die before your time is supposed to be up, so you don't get to be carefree, you feel like you have so much to get out of the way, and when you step outside, you still can't be happy, because you know it's all going to slip away soon, then you'll be alone, in the ground, or in a jar, ended, dead. So all you really see when you go out is what I see, all of the messed up things about this world that nobody cares to change, all of the worst things, and other people don't make it any better, because they don't understand what it's like to be on death row. So far but so fucking close. The only beauty I see is what the ones I love are going to grow to be.

"Know, not fear, that you are going to die."

/sigh

I'm feeling a little better, I woke up without a headache.

I finally got the PW for my mac so navigating everything is a lot easier, being on my laptop is more enjoyable, however, you fix one problem and you get two more, right?

My boyfriends sister doesn't like me, neither does his cousin or whatever -_-

I will never get along with average ignorant people who are set on 'I'm right, and if you disagree you're automatically considered a bitch' It's stupid to be one sided, biased.

But what can I really do besides try to explain better? Communication is key.

A lot of people are getting upset with me because I haven't been hanging out, but that's because they make my headaches worse... and now I feel it coming back again, right in the temple.

But what can I do? Take some pain killers and make it go a little easier on me.

I'm kind of pissed off that these girls were calling me ugly and now they're totally flipping their hair to one side, dying it black, and doing their makeup like me, I want to put them on blast but I'm not going to, because I shouldn't care. Just like I noticed all their friends do too. Freakin' leach hypocrite skank zombies.

But what can I do? Stop giving a crap.

I feel like making myself very very pretty today, because I got new plugs.

I'm such an addict.

Yesterday I had to bury an old friend...

Eric's funeral was yesterday, I went with two days of no sleep and I've had a constant headache no matter what I have taken for the past six days. Not even bud gets rid of it. I remember the first blunt we ever smoked he told me, "Katty.... Do you ever think about taking all that shit off? The nail polish, the eyeliner, just letting your hair grow? You could be a model." That nigga made me smile and feel naked when he told me that. And because of him, I did it. He made me see beauty in myself, and everyone else he brought around him. Out of all the people I know... He would have been the last to die. Because he was the best to me, when I left for three years and he'd run into my brother he'd always ask about me, no matter how hard he was trippin' or tweaking. Oh god.

I love you so much, Big E<3 I'm sorry we never got to smoke those blunts and drink those 40's like we planned. I'm sorry I can't even finish writing about you.

Sometimes I wonder where love goes when it leaves.

You feel it, sometimes for seconds, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours on end.

But then it leaves, because nothing in life is constant... Not even love.

It starts and stops repeatedly.

See, I love Tim, he's handsome and witty and kissable and smart, and sometimes I wonder when he's going to break my heart like the rest. When is he going to make it really hard for me to smile.

My boy Eric, the one I smoked weed with for the first time ever died December 8th. I've been having dreams about him... I still can't believe he's gone. So excuse me if this is all just blurted out.

I guess you could say I'm one of the most depressing people I know.

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere but Miami, with the city lights, and the lack of alleys, with the cold breeze at night in the feilds, that salt water beach smell, driving fast blasting my favorite songs, sharing drinks with my true friends, passing time with cigarettes and coffee, climbing in through my bedroom window five minutes before I had to wake up the next morning, singing loud and playing guitars at the mall, free running and fight club, dancing until I felt like my heart was going to burst. I fell in love once through it all too, I guess you could say I was single this past year not because nobody wanted me, but because I didn't want anyone myself... Not 100% I hate Chicago, and everyone who's here loves it. How can I love anyone who's full of crap?

That's why it never works, because I don't belong here. I'm always uncomfortable unless I'm dead tired or drunk. It's hard for me to make friends because I'm not interested in anything anyone else is, I'm just different, and I'm an outcast. The other day, there was a tiny party like thing at my boyfriends house, there were two girlfriends there talking about tanning and dying their hair. 

How the fuck.

How do I say anything to that? I tan naturally and I don't go blond, I go black. Jet black.

So, that's what I said, I tan naturally, and dye my hair black every two months or so.

They look at me don't say anything, and start talking about white girl problems.

I know my boyfriend wants to be with his friends too, and guys like it when their girlfriends are all talking and doing chick things, right? I don't know how to sit in one spot, get trashed off two beers, and talk about sunburns. 

I have to walk my dog now.

December underground

I met a guy named Tim, he's all I see.

It's funny how we met as soon as I stopped caring again too. He treats me good, and I'd walk to the end of the earth for him already. He's inside. I'll write more about him later. <3