I'm just going to isolate myself from everyone except my few friends and my dog.
I need time to really reflect, and make further plans.
Tim and I are doing great, I love him so much and he's so patient with me.
We're talking about moving in together in about 7 months or so,
Whenever we get stable jobs, since my business comes and goes.
I'm burning for the day I can turn around and kiss him good morning, I'm going to make him the happiest man alive, and I'm tenacious, if I survive the next 7 months I will proceed with my plan, growing with him, falling harder and harder for him everyday, returning and recycling the love he's given me, and more. For once in my life I don't care about what he does, I don't care about anything but his health and happiness, I don't care about his looks, if he keeps looking at me the way he does with his staggering green eyes, lovingly, I'll be with him until I die.
I'm proud of myself for buying him a nice pair of black jeans for Christmas, he tried to give me 70 dollars but I wont take it, he needs to know that that's not what I'm here for and neither is he, I've spent a lot of time recently thinking that money is happiness, it brought me comfort making myself go broke over and over again from buying nugatory things. Finally spending it on someone other than
myself made me feel freed from the inertia of money, tokens we work for like monkeys for bananas.
I hate humans and society, and living and dying.
I hate it because some people can experience everything the best, and others the absolute worst. When you really feel like you're going to die soon, after crying for so long, you can be okay, but you still know you're going to die before your time is supposed to be up, so you don't get to be carefree, you feel like you have so much to get out of the way, and when you step outside, you still can't be happy, because you know it's all going to slip away soon, then you'll be alone, in the ground, or in a jar, ended, dead. So all you really see when you go out is what I see, all of the messed up things about this world that nobody cares to change, all of the worst things, and other people don't make it any better, because they don't understand what it's like to be on death row. So far but so fucking close. The only beauty I see is what the ones I love are going to grow to be.
"Know, not fear, that you are going to die."
