You feel it, sometimes for seconds, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours on end.
But then it leaves, because nothing in life is constant... Not even love.
It starts and stops repeatedly.
See, I love Tim, he's handsome and witty and kissable and smart, and sometimes I wonder when he's going to break my heart like the rest. When is he going to make it really hard for me to smile.
My boy Eric, the one I smoked weed with for the first time ever died December 8th. I've been having dreams about him... I still can't believe he's gone. So excuse me if this is all just blurted out.
I guess you could say I'm one of the most depressing people I know.
I've never felt like I belonged anywhere but Miami, with the city lights, and the lack of alleys, with the cold breeze at night in the feilds, that salt water beach smell, driving fast blasting my favorite songs, sharing drinks with my true friends, passing time with cigarettes and coffee, climbing in through my bedroom window five minutes before I had to wake up the next morning, singing loud and playing guitars at the mall, free running and fight club, dancing until I felt like my heart was going to burst. I fell in love once through it all too, I guess you could say I was single this past year not because nobody wanted me, but because I didn't want anyone myself... Not 100% I hate Chicago, and everyone who's here loves it. How can I love anyone who's full of crap?
That's why it never works, because I don't belong here. I'm always uncomfortable unless I'm dead tired or drunk. It's hard for me to make friends because I'm not interested in anything anyone else is, I'm just different, and I'm an outcast. The other day, there was a tiny party like thing at my boyfriends house, there were two girlfriends there talking about tanning and dying their hair.
How the fuck.
How do I say anything to that? I tan naturally and I don't go blond, I go black. Jet black.
So, that's what I said, I tan naturally, and dye my hair black every two months or so.
They look at me don't say anything, and start talking about white girl problems.
I know my boyfriend wants to be with his friends too, and guys like it when their girlfriends are all talking and doing chick things, right? I don't know how to sit in one spot, get trashed off two beers, and talk about sunburns.
I have to walk my dog now.
