Winter Winds

I'm just going to isolate myself from everyone except my few friends and my dog.

I need time to really reflect, and make further plans.

Tim and I are doing great, I love him so much and he's so patient with me.

We're talking about moving in together in about 7 months or so,

Whenever we get stable jobs, since my business comes and goes.

I'm burning for the day I can turn around and kiss him good morning, I'm going to make him the happiest man alive, and I'm tenacious, if I survive the next 7 months I will proceed with my plan, growing with him, falling harder and harder for him everyday, returning and recycling the love he's given me, and more. For once in my life I don't care about what he does, I don't care about anything but his health and happiness, I don't care about his looks, if he keeps looking at me the way he does with his staggering green eyes, lovingly, I'll be with him until I die.

I'm proud of myself for buying him a nice pair of black jeans for Christmas, he tried to give me 70 dollars but I wont take it, he needs to know that that's not what I'm here for and neither is he, I've spent a lot of time recently thinking that money is happiness, it brought me comfort making myself go broke over and over again from buying nugatory things. Finally spending it on someone other than 

myself made me feel freed from the inertia of money, tokens we work for like monkeys for bananas.

I hate humans and society, and living and dying.

I hate it because some people can experience everything the best, and others the absolute worst. When you really feel like you're going to die soon, after crying for so long, you can be okay, but you still know you're going to die before your time is supposed to be up, so you don't get to be carefree, you feel like you have so much to get out of the way, and when you step outside, you still can't be happy, because you know it's all going to slip away soon, then you'll be alone, in the ground, or in a jar, ended, dead. So all you really see when you go out is what I see, all of the messed up things about this world that nobody cares to change, all of the worst things, and other people don't make it any better, because they don't understand what it's like to be on death row. So far but so fucking close. The only beauty I see is what the ones I love are going to grow to be.

"Know, not fear, that you are going to die."

/sigh

I'm feeling a little better, I woke up without a headache.

I finally got the PW for my mac so navigating everything is a lot easier, being on my laptop is more enjoyable, however, you fix one problem and you get two more, right?

My boyfriends sister doesn't like me, neither does his cousin or whatever -_-

I will never get along with average ignorant people who are set on 'I'm right, and if you disagree you're automatically considered a bitch' It's stupid to be one sided, biased.

But what can I really do besides try to explain better? Communication is key.

A lot of people are getting upset with me because I haven't been hanging out, but that's because they make my headaches worse... and now I feel it coming back again, right in the temple.

But what can I do? Take some pain killers and make it go a little easier on me.

I'm kind of pissed off that these girls were calling me ugly and now they're totally flipping their hair to one side, dying it black, and doing their makeup like me, I want to put them on blast but I'm not going to, because I shouldn't care. Just like I noticed all their friends do too. Freakin' leach hypocrite skank zombies.

But what can I do? Stop giving a crap.

I feel like making myself very very pretty today, because I got new plugs.

I'm such an addict.

Yesterday I had to bury an old friend...

Eric's funeral was yesterday, I went with two days of no sleep and I've had a constant headache no matter what I have taken for the past six days. Not even bud gets rid of it. I remember the first blunt we ever smoked he told me, "Katty.... Do you ever think about taking all that shit off? The nail polish, the eyeliner, just letting your hair grow? You could be a model." That nigga made me smile and feel naked when he told me that. And because of him, I did it. He made me see beauty in myself, and everyone else he brought around him. Out of all the people I know... He would have been the last to die. Because he was the best to me, when I left for three years and he'd run into my brother he'd always ask about me, no matter how hard he was trippin' or tweaking. Oh god.

I love you so much, Big E<3 I'm sorry we never got to smoke those blunts and drink those 40's like we planned. I'm sorry I can't even finish writing about you.

Sometimes I wonder where love goes when it leaves.

You feel it, sometimes for seconds, sometimes for minutes, sometimes for hours on end.

But then it leaves, because nothing in life is constant... Not even love.

It starts and stops repeatedly.

See, I love Tim, he's handsome and witty and kissable and smart, and sometimes I wonder when he's going to break my heart like the rest. When is he going to make it really hard for me to smile.

My boy Eric, the one I smoked weed with for the first time ever died December 8th. I've been having dreams about him... I still can't believe he's gone. So excuse me if this is all just blurted out.

I guess you could say I'm one of the most depressing people I know.

I've never felt like I belonged anywhere but Miami, with the city lights, and the lack of alleys, with the cold breeze at night in the feilds, that salt water beach smell, driving fast blasting my favorite songs, sharing drinks with my true friends, passing time with cigarettes and coffee, climbing in through my bedroom window five minutes before I had to wake up the next morning, singing loud and playing guitars at the mall, free running and fight club, dancing until I felt like my heart was going to burst. I fell in love once through it all too, I guess you could say I was single this past year not because nobody wanted me, but because I didn't want anyone myself... Not 100% I hate Chicago, and everyone who's here loves it. How can I love anyone who's full of crap?

That's why it never works, because I don't belong here. I'm always uncomfortable unless I'm dead tired or drunk. It's hard for me to make friends because I'm not interested in anything anyone else is, I'm just different, and I'm an outcast. The other day, there was a tiny party like thing at my boyfriends house, there were two girlfriends there talking about tanning and dying their hair. 

How the fuck.

How do I say anything to that? I tan naturally and I don't go blond, I go black. Jet black.

So, that's what I said, I tan naturally, and dye my hair black every two months or so.

They look at me don't say anything, and start talking about white girl problems.

I know my boyfriend wants to be with his friends too, and guys like it when their girlfriends are all talking and doing chick things, right? I don't know how to sit in one spot, get trashed off two beers, and talk about sunburns. 

I have to walk my dog now.

December underground

I met a guy named Tim, he's all I see.

It's funny how we met as soon as I stopped caring again too. He treats me good, and I'd walk to the end of the earth for him already. He's inside. I'll write more about him later. <3

It's Thursday

 And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

 

What doesn't kill me,

It's a really weird feeling I've been having lately, like everyone in my life is here because they want to be. I feel like people like to control me, but you can't do it for long, if you're good you can get me upset for a few minutes until I start thinking then I'll instill all that negative energy in you and just start to smile and laugh at you. So, it's like a competition between all these guys and girls to get to me. What's the point? Why? Really. Why?

What goes around comes around ten times harder, right?

If I've got haters, I must be doing something right, right?

I make the same mistakes that other people do, and I learn just like you too.

Sadly, a lot of my more recent mistakes were made because I was doing things out of pity, like buying this girls boyfriend everything he ever asked me for, and he screwed me over, he left me hanging. Kissing this dude because I wanted him to stop moping about his ex girlfriend making out with his best friend in the corner, and about how he wanted to kiss me. So, I did it, then he had sex right next to me later that night.. Then two days ago I actually started talking to this other guy who was at the party and made plans to watch awesome serial killer movies, then he just dropped me because this other guy told him I'm a slut? This has happened to me a thousand times, but I still feel bad for people. Then I've got that group of chicks who jock my style and hop on the dick of any guy I show the slightest bit of interest in. Damn. It really makes me want to face palm myself to death, but I wont give up, I'll just breathe and remember not to give a fuck. If someone can believe a bag of shit over me, it's obvious they're not even worth being upset about, they're just ignorant, but it still unsettles me on the inside.

This is Mars and I on this very calm morning.

I went to House Of Blues yesterday to see For Today, TDWP, Enter Shakari, and White Chapel.

It was such a crazy show, I elbowed some girl behind me in the face on purpose and I felt bad after.

I wore my combat boots so I was kicking people around, and they were throwing me in the pit, 

There were SOO MANY DICKS THERE.

Literally! The number of guys there was the number of girls times twenty!

That's terrible! What the heck are girls in Chicago listening to instead?

I got like 10 bro fists for chugging my friends beer while I was in the pit, in my head I was saying,

"Wut? U no do dis?"

When I went to the bathroom I got hit on by four chicks who apparently loved me in the pit, I'm used to being called sexy but not by 4 preppy looking girls at a TWDP show, I blame it on the city.

There was a UFC fighter there too! He almost fought my friend Sean, ohhhh Sean.

I have like six bruises total on my arms, I haven't even looked at my legs yet, I got home, ate a vegi sub, washed my face, smoked a blunt while Mars went potty, and passed out!

I have no idea what I'm doing today.

Meet Mars.

He will arrive Sunday at approximately 1:25pm.

Then we're going to the pet store and buying everything I'll need.

Then we're coming back home and playing for the rest of lee day. <3

I'm so stoked..

I want to cut open my chest and let you in, but that wont fix what needs to mend.

I've been going through a lot of crap lately, dealing with a lot of ignorant people who are so stuck on themselves they don't take time to breathe and be happy about anything. With the way everyone's going I don't see myself meeting anyone else I'll ever really care about. Matt and I aren't friends anymore.. My brother and I aren't friends anymore.. I'm starting to pay more attention to all the shitty qualities in everyone that comes my way.. and I'm losing hope in people, I can't have a conversation with anyone without getting hit on like a piece of meat, I can't get a tattoo without people trying to slip me roofies when I ask for water, I can't talk to anyone about what I believe without being told I'm 'wrong', I can't like a guy without him liking someone else, I can't talk to someone and make plans to hangout without them going to shit, I can't have a drink at any party without some egotistical asshole coming up to me and asking me to do SOMETHING with them, everyone always wants something..

I feel like it's the end.

Like this is all it's ever going to be.

But something inside me, my fire, wont go out. The real me inside of me wants me to be infinite again, it wants me to do whatever it takes to be happy.

I get shaken up and heartbroken,

I get drunk and violent,

I get full of anger and I beat myself up over never being good enough for anyone,

I've been killing myself over people, other human beings with their own shit baggage, their own demons, and addictions, I don't say a word because I don't want to be selfish.... I didn't tell Tommy he's been on my mind every day for the past 4 months, I didn't tell him I had feelings, I didn't tell him it hurt me inside knowing he was seeing everyone and anyone, I didn't tell him I was more than just a big bag of weed, money, and alcohol, I didn't say it when I felt like I actually liked him, I didn't tell him when I maybe just wanted to sit next to him and put my head on his shoulder instead of anything else. I never say it. Not until it's too late. I'm always late. Now Tommy has a girlfriend and he could give a fuck less about how it makes me feel.

So, I turned over this new leaf, I told myself I'll listen and explain, do my best to be nice, but that doesn't mean I have to break my back for people, it doesn't mean I have to have my feelings hurt just to see someone smile, it doesn't mean I have to touch anyone, or chain smoke cigarettes, or spend five to six hours shadow boxing on my porch because I'm pissed off. It just means I have to let go or everything that was hurting me. How hard is it really to stop caring about people who don't care about you? How hard is it to not care about people talking about me, getting me twisted? How hard is it to understand that So and So are just little kids, and they can't even comprehend themselves yet, how can I expect them to be okay with me? I've got brains and I've got boobs too, the worst combination for any girl, especially one who's surrounded by people who still have those weird highschool mentalities. I have to go easy on people, stop making them feel stupid and insecure, instead try helping them. I love helping people, I've got the ability to change lives for the better, I know it because I've done it before, people admire me when I'm happy, not pissed off and raging about some people who maybe just like to say my name out loud. If I'm so sick of hateful idiots why should I let them in my head? So they can bother me even when they're not around? 

I've had enough of people and fuck problems, I'm not going to fight myself anymore.

You know yourself, you know what you do, why you do it, and whether or not it makes you happy,

Stay happy, stay chill, if someone wants to talk crap to you, smile, wave, and walk away, don't punch them in the chest, because they're not worth your anger, save it for things that mean a lot to you, when you have to fight for something that means a lot to you. Meanwhile, take that anger and put it into something productive like working out, writing, singing, screaming, or dancing, what ever it is you do. When you're pissed off, ware yourself out so you don't go to sleep upset, and when you wake up, fill your head with all the good things in your life, breathe it in, breathe life in, when you feel like sobbing and slamming your face into your computer desk, just remember to take deep breaths, remember that the end of anything is just the start of a new beginning, and you can't die from a broken heart. If you spend the rest of your life looking back and killing yourself over the past you're not going to die, not when you want to, you're only going to waste your life away being ticked at the world and then one day it's just going to hit you in the face, you're 40, single, with kids you can't see, balding, and taking anything that will help you sleep your day away. Nobody wants to be that person.

It's easy to be mean, it's easy to lose your head, it's easy to give up on everything, and it's easy to be depressed, but it's not what you really want.

Stop taking the easy fucking way out.

Grow some balls, or a vagina, and be a gentlemen, or a lady, because that's where it's at, and nobody can fuck with you once you stop fucking with yourself. 

Stay calm, stay collective, stay happy.

Fuck everything, I want blood everywhere.

I just wrote out an entire fucking blog completely explaining everything that has happened the past three fucking months and my fucking idiot uncle turned off the fucking power on my fucking porch.
I don't feel like fucking rewriting that shit.
FUCK.

Seatbelt hands

I've decided to grow.
I've been in the same spot for what feels like so long.

I'm quitting smoking, and I've been working out a lot more.
I'm getting an eight week old puppy named Mars in three weeks.

 

 Which makes me feel great because I'll have a little ball of black and brown fluff to hangout with.

I started screaming again, and singing a lot more. I started laughing again, and I mean laughing hard.

I'm starting to feel infinite again, it's getting easy to talk, to breath, to think.

For a little while there I thought I was just going to die, I was hopeless.

I'm proud of myself for getting stronger, now I can get myself on the right track.

I started listening to The Listener and I listen to The Chariot religiously, it's music that makes me feel it, it's so beautiful, and passionate. It makes me want to go back to church like I used to, and go on those retreats occasionally. The thing is that those people aren't very passionate though, they preach and preach, and spend all their time learning how to 'properly' preach and in the mix they forget.. They forget what made them start in the first place, I see it. I never want to be like that, I always want to remember, and feel, and love. I want to grow, and break, and come back stronger. I want to experience everything. That's my only problem. Eventually I'll sort it all out though, not while I'm sitting here writing this.

I changed my hair again, I dyed it all jet black, left a purple streak, and got a little side cut, I usually tie it into a loose braid so it all comes out wavy then clip a little peacock feather on the side.

I'll probably keep my hair like this for awhile, no more bleaching and bright colored hair for me.

My arms are more toned now, I intimidate some of my male friends, it's cute.

I shadow box, lift weights, do tons of push-ups, sit-ups, and I go running.

It feels good.

I feel good.

I'm all out of bliss.

I can't even begin to explain what happened these past three weeks..
I feel like dying.

My new hairsytle ideas.

Tiny graphics of giraffe print above my right ear,
majority black hair, maybe orange, long and wavy/straight.

I miss you pressed up againsed my back at night.

"she laid there in a sexy pose
void of consciousness and clothes
and when i awoke i seemed to know
a thing about this tortured soul

...her teeth, they bite with all their might
her spirit, like a rose
some will see her as a witch
let's cry about that beautiful bitch"

-Matthew Kucera 

You reminded me of the vampire girl from Adventure Time and we were in a dead forest of evil...

On my front porch.

I am super nanny.

Matthew has a ball python<3 It's sexy.

Charlie and Mia, Matthews two black labs.

Matthews doggy Jack

Matthew gave me one of these jars so my weed doesn't stink. :)

Matthew looks like him, but 50x hotter.

Watched part of NBK with Matt a few days ago.

He's hot, right?

Finally got my sexy aviators back.

I capped a quarter yesterday.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.

When I hung out with the fresh boys this is what we played.

Matthew took me to a spot by the train tracks, he called it 'an old punk wasteland'

I want a tattoo of this

I miss Matthew and his purple crack lighter.

This is me the last time I was here in Saint Charles.

Add caption

Tommy looks like him.

Lately I've been kinda mingling, I guess.

Taking advantage of my single life, not having any strings.

I don't like it because I want someone, I haven't had a boyfriend since winter. I'm thinking I'm going to have someone soon. I'm lookin' good this summer, my personality has gotten a lot better, and I've been asked a lot lately "How are you single?" by some attractive guys.

I'm hungry. I want a veggie sub. Screw cravings.

Fall asleep on a stranger.

So, yesterday it was Tommy Tailors birthday, 

I had never met Mr. Tailor, but he knows Mattapuss, it was his birthday, I was feeling nice, I decided I was going to partake in having him as a puppy for the day, and sparking up.

And so we did.

The night was a bit odd, we met a Neo nazi, I almost tore him apart,

He was a poser, like, who the fuck wants to pose as part of a group of people who do fucked up things like that for no legitimate reason? Do you want to be killed?

That was basically the climax besides music talk and what not.

Anyways, that happened, we all came back to my place, smoked, I chilled out,

Matty went to sleep upstairs and Tommy and I just hung out in my backyard or basement.

Not gonna lie, for some reason he's attractive to me, personality too.

He seems like an interesting person to know, I don't know if he was bullshitting me or not.

Right now, he's laying on the couch to my left, he enjoys drifting in and out of sleep.

I'm going to wake his ass up at 4:20.

New about me in progress.

I've started a new life, if you're reading this now, know that before I was different.. I know I have dimmed since I came back to Chicago I've gotten a lot more angry, I cry everyday, whether it's for a second, or hours on end, I buy some things so I can break them.. I've never told anyone that before until now, I don't know if it's the sound of things crashing, the force I put into it, the smell, or seeing things I break that makes me feel okay.

Since I came here, I've been hurt so much, deceived, and disappointed, I'm a real sucker for a sweet talker. I used to fall in love at first kiss after hours and hours of talking to someone, I love knowing people, but I guess they just don't love knowing me. 

I look forward to the day someone just stays with me.

Goodbyes hurt me every time, because I always feel like I'll never see you again.

I have nightmares all the time, and if you wake me up the wrong way, I'll elbow you in the face. Only my mother and my best friend know how to wake me up without me freaking out.

There's another thing, coming to Chicago wasn't all that bad, I made a friend, his name is Mattapuss, he's my hero, former lover, therapist, babysitter, partner in crime, the one person I couldn't hurt, someone I'd walk to the end of the earth for, and my best friend.

He's the only thing that keeps me here, Matt is my stability.

I probably sound like a wimp.. But know I'm not, if you get me upset and you mean nothing to me I'll tear you apart.

A victim still lying in bed.

I need me some of this

To cope with this.

So I can find the energy to get rid of all this ugliness.

I'm feeling a bit lonely today..

I just want happiness.

Nothing in life is constant.

I was there on Sunday,

In case you can't tell where this cute picture was taken,

It's Chicago!

I went downtown with this guy named Matthew, I figured it was going to end up like last time,

With Guy, but it really wasn't, it was a better date x20, before we even decided to go downtown, we drank Four Lokos in my back yard, then went free running around my neighborhood. When we got back to my yard he pulled me next to him, put his arm around me, and started touching my lips, while he was doing that, I noticed his hands were shaking. I started kissing his fingertips, and then we kissed each other, and it made me happy, because I thought he was really sexy, and he liked me.

But yeah, we go downtown, and we acted like a couple, at one point he turned to me and was like,

"I feel like I'm a bit under dressed to be with you."

Bitch, I don't care what you're wearing, you're beyond attractive.

That's what went through my head.

We went to the park, drank red wine, went to the zoo, got veggie subs, then went to the beach :)

While we were at the park, we were like, crazy about each other, while we were drinking the wine, we talked to a crazy guy, who swore he'd seen Mat in concert before, then made our way to the zoo,

At the zoo there is a man on a horse on top of a little structure, we went under it and drank the rest of the wine, while looking at the lake and feeling the amazing breeze.

When we were at the beach we went to the pier, and sat right on the edge, I could feel the water splash my feet, he picked me up, put me on his lap, and held me.

We kissed more.

During this time, as you may already know I thought about Guy, and it made me really, really sad.. Because I thought that Mat was just doing the same thing to me, he'll take me out, show me an amazing time, and then leave me confused and hurt. I almost cried on the way to downtown, and when he was bringing me home too, I got that bad feeling in my chest, and panic rushed through me while getting out of the car. I walked straight to my back yard, and let it all out. I was angry and sad, and I wanted to stomp my feet until they bled, but I stopped. 

I thought about my day, and how much fun I had when I wasn't thinking about all the negative, and I decided that if he was going to be like the rest, he's going to come back around anyways, so I should bask in my great day, and move on to the next.

That's exactly what I did. Yesterday, I talked to him a bit and he said he had an amazing day too, he actually wants to see me again, take me to bars, play with his fire pit, do some more free running, and exploring. It puts me at ease, knowing he wants to see me again <3

He just texted me saying "Que pasa"

"Nada. Tu?"

"Mi habla en el telefono con una mucho bonita chica."

"That was very cute."

"Gracias mi amiga."

"No problema, chulo."

I meet him because he complimented me in Italian, and now he's speaking Spanish to me.

I like it how he's not boring, and I hope this continues.

Yesterday, I smoked with my brother and his girlfriend at this place they call 'The Stairway'

I want to take pictures of it and post them here, I've been there about 4 times already,

It's kind of a dump, but I think it's pretty.