Meet Mars.

He will arrive Sunday at approximately 1:25pm.

Then we're going to the pet store and buying everything I'll need.

Then we're coming back home and playing for the rest of lee day. <3

I'm so stoked..

I want to cut open my chest and let you in, but that wont fix what needs to mend.

I've been going through a lot of crap lately, dealing with a lot of ignorant people who are so stuck on themselves they don't take time to breathe and be happy about anything. With the way everyone's going I don't see myself meeting anyone else I'll ever really care about. Matt and I aren't friends anymore.. My brother and I aren't friends anymore.. I'm starting to pay more attention to all the shitty qualities in everyone that comes my way.. and I'm losing hope in people, I can't have a conversation with anyone without getting hit on like a piece of meat, I can't get a tattoo without people trying to slip me roofies when I ask for water, I can't talk to anyone about what I believe without being told I'm 'wrong', I can't like a guy without him liking someone else, I can't talk to someone and make plans to hangout without them going to shit, I can't have a drink at any party without some egotistical asshole coming up to me and asking me to do SOMETHING with them, everyone always wants something..

I feel like it's the end.

Like this is all it's ever going to be.

But something inside me, my fire, wont go out. The real me inside of me wants me to be infinite again, it wants me to do whatever it takes to be happy.

I get shaken up and heartbroken,

I get drunk and violent,

I get full of anger and I beat myself up over never being good enough for anyone,

I've been killing myself over people, other human beings with their own shit baggage, their own demons, and addictions, I don't say a word because I don't want to be selfish.... I didn't tell Tommy he's been on my mind every day for the past 4 months, I didn't tell him I had feelings, I didn't tell him it hurt me inside knowing he was seeing everyone and anyone, I didn't tell him I was more than just a big bag of weed, money, and alcohol, I didn't say it when I felt like I actually liked him, I didn't tell him when I maybe just wanted to sit next to him and put my head on his shoulder instead of anything else. I never say it. Not until it's too late. I'm always late. Now Tommy has a girlfriend and he could give a fuck less about how it makes me feel.

So, I turned over this new leaf, I told myself I'll listen and explain, do my best to be nice, but that doesn't mean I have to break my back for people, it doesn't mean I have to have my feelings hurt just to see someone smile, it doesn't mean I have to touch anyone, or chain smoke cigarettes, or spend five to six hours shadow boxing on my porch because I'm pissed off. It just means I have to let go or everything that was hurting me. How hard is it really to stop caring about people who don't care about you? How hard is it to not care about people talking about me, getting me twisted? How hard is it to understand that So and So are just little kids, and they can't even comprehend themselves yet, how can I expect them to be okay with me? I've got brains and I've got boobs too, the worst combination for any girl, especially one who's surrounded by people who still have those weird highschool mentalities. I have to go easy on people, stop making them feel stupid and insecure, instead try helping them. I love helping people, I've got the ability to change lives for the better, I know it because I've done it before, people admire me when I'm happy, not pissed off and raging about some people who maybe just like to say my name out loud. If I'm so sick of hateful idiots why should I let them in my head? So they can bother me even when they're not around? 

I've had enough of people and fuck problems, I'm not going to fight myself anymore.

You know yourself, you know what you do, why you do it, and whether or not it makes you happy,

Stay happy, stay chill, if someone wants to talk crap to you, smile, wave, and walk away, don't punch them in the chest, because they're not worth your anger, save it for things that mean a lot to you, when you have to fight for something that means a lot to you. Meanwhile, take that anger and put it into something productive like working out, writing, singing, screaming, or dancing, what ever it is you do. When you're pissed off, ware yourself out so you don't go to sleep upset, and when you wake up, fill your head with all the good things in your life, breathe it in, breathe life in, when you feel like sobbing and slamming your face into your computer desk, just remember to take deep breaths, remember that the end of anything is just the start of a new beginning, and you can't die from a broken heart. If you spend the rest of your life looking back and killing yourself over the past you're not going to die, not when you want to, you're only going to waste your life away being ticked at the world and then one day it's just going to hit you in the face, you're 40, single, with kids you can't see, balding, and taking anything that will help you sleep your day away. Nobody wants to be that person.

It's easy to be mean, it's easy to lose your head, it's easy to give up on everything, and it's easy to be depressed, but it's not what you really want.

Stop taking the easy fucking way out.

Grow some balls, or a vagina, and be a gentlemen, or a lady, because that's where it's at, and nobody can fuck with you once you stop fucking with yourself. 

Stay calm, stay collective, stay happy.

Fuck everything, I want blood everywhere.

I just wrote out an entire fucking blog completely explaining everything that has happened the past three fucking months and my fucking idiot uncle turned off the fucking power on my fucking porch.
I don't feel like fucking rewriting that shit.
FUCK.

Seatbelt hands

I've decided to grow.
I've been in the same spot for what feels like so long.

I'm quitting smoking, and I've been working out a lot more.
I'm getting an eight week old puppy named Mars in three weeks.

 

 Which makes me feel great because I'll have a little ball of black and brown fluff to hangout with.

I started screaming again, and singing a lot more. I started laughing again, and I mean laughing hard.

I'm starting to feel infinite again, it's getting easy to talk, to breath, to think.

For a little while there I thought I was just going to die, I was hopeless.

I'm proud of myself for getting stronger, now I can get myself on the right track.

I started listening to The Listener and I listen to The Chariot religiously, it's music that makes me feel it, it's so beautiful, and passionate. It makes me want to go back to church like I used to, and go on those retreats occasionally. The thing is that those people aren't very passionate though, they preach and preach, and spend all their time learning how to 'properly' preach and in the mix they forget.. They forget what made them start in the first place, I see it. I never want to be like that, I always want to remember, and feel, and love. I want to grow, and break, and come back stronger. I want to experience everything. That's my only problem. Eventually I'll sort it all out though, not while I'm sitting here writing this.

I changed my hair again, I dyed it all jet black, left a purple streak, and got a little side cut, I usually tie it into a loose braid so it all comes out wavy then clip a little peacock feather on the side.

I'll probably keep my hair like this for awhile, no more bleaching and bright colored hair for me.

My arms are more toned now, I intimidate some of my male friends, it's cute.

I shadow box, lift weights, do tons of push-ups, sit-ups, and I go running.

It feels good.

I feel good.