I miss you pressed up againsed my back at night.

"she laid there in a sexy pose
void of consciousness and clothes
and when i awoke i seemed to know
a thing about this tortured soul

...her teeth, they bite with all their might
her spirit, like a rose
some will see her as a witch
let's cry about that beautiful bitch"

-Matthew Kucera 

You reminded me of the vampire girl from Adventure Time and we were in a dead forest of evil...

On my front porch.

I am super nanny.

Matthew has a ball python<3 It's sexy.

Charlie and Mia, Matthews two black labs.

Matthews doggy Jack

Matthew gave me one of these jars so my weed doesn't stink. :)

Matthew looks like him, but 50x hotter.

Watched part of NBK with Matt a few days ago.

He's hot, right?

Finally got my sexy aviators back.

I capped a quarter yesterday.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.

When I hung out with the fresh boys this is what we played.

Matthew took me to a spot by the train tracks, he called it 'an old punk wasteland'

I want a tattoo of this

I miss Matthew and his purple crack lighter.

This is me the last time I was here in Saint Charles.

Add caption

Tommy looks like him.

Lately I've been kinda mingling, I guess.

Taking advantage of my single life, not having any strings.

I don't like it because I want someone, I haven't had a boyfriend since winter. I'm thinking I'm going to have someone soon. I'm lookin' good this summer, my personality has gotten a lot better, and I've been asked a lot lately "How are you single?" by some attractive guys.

I'm hungry. I want a veggie sub. Screw cravings.

Fall asleep on a stranger.

So, yesterday it was Tommy Tailors birthday, 

I had never met Mr. Tailor, but he knows Mattapuss, it was his birthday, I was feeling nice, I decided I was going to partake in having him as a puppy for the day, and sparking up.

And so we did.

The night was a bit odd, we met a Neo nazi, I almost tore him apart,

He was a poser, like, who the fuck wants to pose as part of a group of people who do fucked up things like that for no legitimate reason? Do you want to be killed?

That was basically the climax besides music talk and what not.

Anyways, that happened, we all came back to my place, smoked, I chilled out,

Matty went to sleep upstairs and Tommy and I just hung out in my backyard or basement.

Not gonna lie, for some reason he's attractive to me, personality too.

He seems like an interesting person to know, I don't know if he was bullshitting me or not.

Right now, he's laying on the couch to my left, he enjoys drifting in and out of sleep.

I'm going to wake his ass up at 4:20.

New about me in progress.

I've started a new life, if you're reading this now, know that before I was different.. I know I have dimmed since I came back to Chicago I've gotten a lot more angry, I cry everyday, whether it's for a second, or hours on end, I buy some things so I can break them.. I've never told anyone that before until now, I don't know if it's the sound of things crashing, the force I put into it, the smell, or seeing things I break that makes me feel okay.

Since I came here, I've been hurt so much, deceived, and disappointed, I'm a real sucker for a sweet talker. I used to fall in love at first kiss after hours and hours of talking to someone, I love knowing people, but I guess they just don't love knowing me. 

I look forward to the day someone just stays with me.

Goodbyes hurt me every time, because I always feel like I'll never see you again.

I have nightmares all the time, and if you wake me up the wrong way, I'll elbow you in the face. Only my mother and my best friend know how to wake me up without me freaking out.

There's another thing, coming to Chicago wasn't all that bad, I made a friend, his name is Mattapuss, he's my hero, former lover, therapist, babysitter, partner in crime, the one person I couldn't hurt, someone I'd walk to the end of the earth for, and my best friend.

He's the only thing that keeps me here, Matt is my stability.

I probably sound like a wimp.. But know I'm not, if you get me upset and you mean nothing to me I'll tear you apart.

A victim still lying in bed.

I need me some of this

To cope with this.

So I can find the energy to get rid of all this ugliness.

I'm feeling a bit lonely today..

I just want happiness.

Nothing in life is constant.

I was there on Sunday,

In case you can't tell where this cute picture was taken,

It's Chicago!

I went downtown with this guy named Matthew, I figured it was going to end up like last time,

With Guy, but it really wasn't, it was a better date x20, before we even decided to go downtown, we drank Four Lokos in my back yard, then went free running around my neighborhood. When we got back to my yard he pulled me next to him, put his arm around me, and started touching my lips, while he was doing that, I noticed his hands were shaking. I started kissing his fingertips, and then we kissed each other, and it made me happy, because I thought he was really sexy, and he liked me.

But yeah, we go downtown, and we acted like a couple, at one point he turned to me and was like,

"I feel like I'm a bit under dressed to be with you."

Bitch, I don't care what you're wearing, you're beyond attractive.

That's what went through my head.

We went to the park, drank red wine, went to the zoo, got veggie subs, then went to the beach :)

While we were at the park, we were like, crazy about each other, while we were drinking the wine, we talked to a crazy guy, who swore he'd seen Mat in concert before, then made our way to the zoo,

At the zoo there is a man on a horse on top of a little structure, we went under it and drank the rest of the wine, while looking at the lake and feeling the amazing breeze.

When we were at the beach we went to the pier, and sat right on the edge, I could feel the water splash my feet, he picked me up, put me on his lap, and held me.

We kissed more.

During this time, as you may already know I thought about Guy, and it made me really, really sad.. Because I thought that Mat was just doing the same thing to me, he'll take me out, show me an amazing time, and then leave me confused and hurt. I almost cried on the way to downtown, and when he was bringing me home too, I got that bad feeling in my chest, and panic rushed through me while getting out of the car. I walked straight to my back yard, and let it all out. I was angry and sad, and I wanted to stomp my feet until they bled, but I stopped. 

I thought about my day, and how much fun I had when I wasn't thinking about all the negative, and I decided that if he was going to be like the rest, he's going to come back around anyways, so I should bask in my great day, and move on to the next.

That's exactly what I did. Yesterday, I talked to him a bit and he said he had an amazing day too, he actually wants to see me again, take me to bars, play with his fire pit, do some more free running, and exploring. It puts me at ease, knowing he wants to see me again <3

He just texted me saying "Que pasa"

"Nada. Tu?"

"Mi habla en el telefono con una mucho bonita chica."

"That was very cute."

"Gracias mi amiga."

"No problema, chulo."

I meet him because he complimented me in Italian, and now he's speaking Spanish to me.

I like it how he's not boring, and I hope this continues.

Yesterday, I smoked with my brother and his girlfriend at this place they call 'The Stairway'

I want to take pictures of it and post them here, I've been there about 4 times already,

It's kind of a dump, but I think it's pretty.

Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold, some die looking for a hand to hold.

 I swear to God, every time I see a cute couple I just want to scream,

'Hey, I want your boyfriend,

To be my boyfriend too.'

So then that epic Ska song could break out,

And I could maybe find myself not meaning that statement.

-It never happens though..

A lot has happened these past two days, I actually WROTE OUT a blog yesterday,

But it somehow got deleted and left me with a title and picture.

To sum it all up, I hung out with That Guys friend, -Mutual Friend, and he told me Guy had stole his car and phone several times the night we met, and the party they wanted me to go to was shitty. That means Guy steady lied to me when we were together.

So, FUCK him. 

I'm going to attempt to never think about him again.

Last night, I was very happy and talkative with this guy Ruben, so far he seems like a good friend, I sparked him up on two or three bowls of my stuff, and now he's saying he wants to spark ME up next time. Hey, I'm down. I asked him questions about a lot of things that I don't think he knew the answer to, he likes the movie Zeitgeist, which is kinda comical in my opinion, because all the guy does is contradict himself over and over again throughout the movie, he's got good knowledge about the facts he spews, but he can't prove anything not to be real, hence why I just don't think jack shit of anything he says. People talk about that movie A LOT, like that movie could change your faith or some shit, I'm told to watch it all the time, I watched it awhile ago, I have some Christian beliefs most of it's my own though, and apparently people don't support? It's cool, I don't really care if people are there for me over anything I chose to do, because it's my life, my perception, and nobody will ever understand it.

Don't mistaken me for angsty though, I've just come to the conclusion that people don't want to understand others, they just want to take whatever they can benefit from them.

But anyways, yeah, chillin' with this guy, Ruben,

He seems a bit obnoxious, I have to admit, I kinda liked it, my neighbor came outside to let her dog out and he didn't even move away from the stairs, he just left all his shit there and played with his phone, she got pissed and moved his bag, made a disgusted sound, like she would, and went inside. 

After that, he continued the conversation we were having previously.

It was personality, and that's awesome.

Today, I had a pretty shitty morning, I woke up and cried because I felt lonely.

I want a partner, a best friend, and a boyfriend, all in one.

It takes time to find the right one, but man, this search is killing me.

I keep trying to tell myself to stop looking, it'll happen faster, but it's difficult,

That's why I decided that today I'm dropping everything, and starting over.

I'm doing my hair again today, bleaching the side again,

I caaaannn'tttt waitttt for the pink.

I also might pierce my collar bones later,

I'm really still not sure.

Don't know what I'm doing tonight, but I've got Four Lokos and blunts, so,

I'm pretty sure I'm set for a damn good session.

I'm finally ready to feel infinite again.